Take a look at this photo.
What do you notice? The waves? The skyline? The fact that it is unedited and was taken with a crappy camera? 😉
What about the sand? Recently I’ve been feeling like a grain of sand. I live a great life, I have good experiences, and I feel pretty lucky. But at the end of the day, I’m just a grain of sand. There are millions of other grains of sand just like me. Every single day, I blend in more and more. Every single day, I don’t do a damn thing to change.
Am I losing you yet? Probably. My point is that I feel like I’m not accomplishing things at my full potential. I am essentially a jack of all trades, master of none. I make a lot of goals, but I never fulfill them in the way that I intended. Ultimately, I know that it’s my fault. I want to run a sub-2:00 half marathon, yet I haven’t signed up for a single race. I want to gain strength, yet I lift the exact same weights every single time I step foot in the gym. I want to complete this craft or that craft, yet supplies are literally strewn across the floor of my closet. I want to meal plan and work on our budget, yet most weeks I slap a few overpriced things in the cart and call it a day. I want to be a better mother and wife, yet I continuously go through the motions without putting in the work to better myself. I want to do something to make a difference somehow, yet I do the same old self-serving things every day.
Am I crazy? Am I the only one thinking that the years are absolutely flying by and, aside from helping to create the single-most adorable baby on the planet, I have done nothing. Nothing.
I don’t want to go through my whole life saying things like “well, I probably could have done that better”. That sentence is my crutch. I’m tired of it. More importantly, I don’t want to leave this world knowing that I haven’t affected it in a positive way. What does this mean for me? I have no freaking clue whatsoever. I mentioned that my priorities are changing, and this fits right into that. I’m just not the same person that I was when I started this blog. Change is normal. Changes are good. I just don’t know exactly which ones I should be making right now. I’m a little lost, but I think that’s a good thing. The second I think I know everything, I’ll be screwed. I just wish I had some sort of idea of what I should be doing.
Of course, all I’m essentially doing is stressing myself out even more over this vague idea that I should be doing something, somewhere. I clearly belong in the loony bin. 😉 But seriously. I love my family. I love that I get to spend my days with children. I love being able to be active. I love all the pieces of the puzzle. And yet, here I am whining and complaining again. What drives me nuts is that I don’t know what’s actually driving me nuts. Is this that quarter-life crisis people are always talking about?
So… yeah. This post doesn’t contain any answers. I’m not sure I’ll ever have them. I guess I just wanted to put this out there in case someone feels the same. I’ve been meaning to post this for a while, but I just haven’t. I’m not sure why. I think I just need to get it off of my chest and then I can get back to “regular” blogging. If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been a little off lately. I mean, yeah, I’m tired from going back to work, but I think there is more to it than that. Like I said, I’m confused myself. haha. PS: If you have some harebrained scheme that you think will help save the world, I’m pretty much down.